I’ve Done Things I’m Not Proud Of

Six-year-old Nate cued up “The Simpsons Movie” in the DVR the other day before departing on spring break for Ohio and it got me to thinking about all things Simpson. I remembered the earliest shorts on “The Tracey Ullman Show” on through the later episodes. Some were genuinely hilarious and at the beginning, it was cutting-edge, subervise television. The writing never ceased to be clever, intelligent and tight.

HomerOne episode I remembered that really got my attention and made me laugh was “Poppa’s Got a Brand New Badge.”  Right before he goes to bed, Homer tells Marge, “I’ve had a lot of jobs in my life: boxer, mascot, astronaut, baby proofer, imitation Krusty, duck driver, hippie, plow driver, food critic, conceptual artist, grease salesman, carny, mayor, grifter, body guard for the mayor, country western manager, garbage commissioner, mountain climber, farmer, inventor, Smithers, Poochie, celebrity assistant, power plant worker, fortune cookie writer, beer baron, Kwik-E-Mart jerk, homophobe, and missionary, but protecting people, that gives me the best feeling of all.”  It’s a very funny little bit and stops you dead in your tracks if you’re watching the episode.  For me, it’s always been one of the more memorable scenes from a really great show.

This was the final episode of season 13 and they’re up to season 25 or some such thing. Imagine how many other jobs he’s had by now!

Anyway, I was wondering what my list would sound like.  So here’s my list.  I’m including the stuff I did for free, but that were still significant enough to say “It was my job.” There are some repeats because I did some jobs a few times.

Read it with Homer’s voice in your head. It’ll be a lot more interesting that way.

Stock boy
Sales clerk
Summer camp counselor
High school and college teacher
Fast-food cook
Fast-food sales clerk
Consumer electronic salesman
College deejay
ROTC cadet
Assistant News Director
Radio TV Officer
TV news anchor
Community theater actor
Platoon Leader
Radio and TV Station Manager
High school instrumental music teacher and conductor
Assistant Conductor of a military band
Commercial deejay again
Telecommunications officer
Company commander
Professional Actor
Community theater actor
Voiceover artist
Commercial deejay again
Electronic Media Officer
Public Affairs Officer
Security guard
TV master control operator
Instructor in computer subjects
Unit commander
TV network master control operator
Computer subjects instructor
Radio and TV Station Manager
Video tape operator
Public Affairs Officer
TV network master control operator
Computer subjects instructor
Supervisor, TV Network operations E!
Plans Officer, Army Public Affairs
Chief, Army senior leader support team
Chief of Staff
Staff Officer
Chief of Staff again
Deputy Commander
Program Manager
Marketing Communications Specialist

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