by Beth Geyer
Allow me to introduce you to this little asshole. I’d apologize in advance for the language but it’s already too late for that and I refuse to use the backspace.
My family’s pizza shop had this magical oven-toasted sub aptly named the Sub Divine. It was a glorious gold standard for hot subs everywhere. I miss it and every now and then I crave it so much that I replicate it at home. Usually with rousing success. I have, after all, 14 yrs experience making them.
I dropped the ball today, though. As I type this, my nose is still running and I’m positive I’m working through a mild stroke. Bear with me.
I looooooove spicy food. Love it. Always have. But I knew that if I substituted the shredded cheddar for habenero cheese, I better tread lightly. I thought I sliced it up thin enough for both pieces of bread (I had no sub buns) that I could avoid feeling like I was biting on Satan’s hairy undercarriage but failed spectacularly. In the picture you’ll see the delicious sandwich before I wrapped it in foil and baked it. Do not be fooled by it’s innocent look; I still can’t feel the roof of my mouth.
I knew after the first bite that something was wrong. The pain was almost immediate and was soon followed by shaking. I breathed through each bite like I was in labor and powered through half of it with sheer will and the power of prayer. I’d spent too much time creating this masterpiece to give up like a little bitch.
Alas, after half of the sandwich disappeared, so did my will to live. It was me or the sandwich and I chose me.
My tongue isn’t currently working properly and after blowing my nose and washing my face with cold water, I was able to stumble outside for fresh air, mumbling “Nothing about me feels good about any of that”.
This mofo ended up just being a bunch of toppings encased wall-to-wall in pure hatred.
I couldn’t even tell you if it was good or not. I *think* I tasted banana peppers and pepperoni at first but it was short-lived. After that, all I could taste was hell fire and every mistake I’ve ever made in my life.
Probably the worst part of all of this is the fact that I’ll have to relive the pain all over again tomorrow.
Look at that sandwich…..it was a simpler time and I was but a 35 yr old girl full of hope and wonder. Now Satan himself is holding a Fight Club meeting in my stomach and no one is the winner.
The lovely and talented Beth Geyer posted this on Facebook today and it had me laughing. Well done, Beth!
Let this be a cautionary tale.
For the record, the Sub Divine stands as my favorite sandwich ever.
This in annoying like how we only communicate through Facebook when we’re in the same room as each other.
I choose to avoid human contact at all cost.
No, silly. That’s me.
Oh yeah… that’s right. Silly me. :/
Oh. My. GOD. I NEED ONE OF THESE RIGHT NOW. Spiciness and all! Recipe? Cash for a dozen? Sounds Yummy!
You are braver than I, sir.
The original recipe:
Try to find a dense sub bun. You don’t want a flimsy one that’s soft and airy. The denser, the better. Like, the types of sub buns that you can’t really eat until they’re baked. Good? Good.
Cut it open down the middle, leaving both halves attached. Use foil to wrap around the outside of the bun. Any bread that isn’t covered by foil or toppings will most likely burn.
Place pepperoni down one side of the bun, followed by thinly sliced ham, onions, banana peppers, shredded lettuce, tomato slices, and cover the toppings and other half of bun with a mixture of mozzarella and cheddar cheese. Bake at 400 degrees for about 10 mins. Use a butter knife or spatula to turn the cheese (spreading it) so any unmelted cheese is exposed, and bake it a few more minutes. Enjoy!
Thank you!! Will try tonight or tomorrow. Love a great sandwich, LOVE habanero cheese 🙂 I hope to do this recipe justice 🙂
If you’re a glutton for pain, definitely go the habenero route but don’t say I didn’t warn you. 😂
LOL!!! I will definitely try it 🙂 As Dan can tell you, I’m all about the spice. Habaneros are starting to be more of a medium heat to me, so I’ve been playing with ghost pepper cheese lately, But I prefer the taste of habanero more so.
Jeez, you and my uncle. He won’t eat anything unless it makes him sweat profusely.
Great for the ‘ole metabolism 😉
No spices? No oil and vinegar? I’m surprised.
It’s wholly unremarkable until you taste it. I like it with mayo or sometimes ranch, though.
I was thinking of trying sriracha mayo 🙂
You, sir, have a death wish.
I got a bad feeling that that little axxhole- after you ate it- might give you a big axxhole– I could be wrong here… just thinking out loud….
I’m as concerned about that as you are, trust me.
remind me so send you guys some of my 2016 hotsauce-should be ready in a few weeks
YES! I should be completely dead below the waist by then so that would be perfect.
Sounds like part of a very unhappy meal.
It was hell.
Chernobyl on a bun.
YES! There’s your title, Dan.
OMFG, I love that! I’ll need to dig up Larry Correia’s old post on eating some spicy Chinese dish for you, which made me laugh out loud, and you will appreciate!
Here, Beth! Enjoy! This is from one of my favorite authors and people!
Now THAT was fun! I much prefer the pain of others to my own, lol.
God, that poor bastard….
Well done. Well done, my friend, your hotness extends to culinary delights!
Hahaaaa 😂 Apparently all my cooking is good for is pain. Sweet, sweet pain.
can’t open your blog
There are no restrictions on it. 🙁 Dunno why you can’t.
it just hangs up and doesn’t complete downloading.
It’s a slow server. And a secure connection. I need to do some work on it. It’ll show up. Promise.
Subsequent post by Beth kinda bookends the kind of a day she’s having:
“I got just under 4 hrs of sleep last night and it’s made me a little punch drunk, which I hadn’t realized until just now when I took Emmett outside.
He’s been going nuts all day chasing lizards in the backyard (his favorite pastime). As he bolted for the back door, I said ‘Are you excited to chase some lizards?? Gonna put the fear of dog in them??’ and it was at this point that laughter erupted from me in a loud, terrifying manner. Picture a half evil, half manic laugh that just kept getting louder and louder. OVER A PUN. And not even a good pun.
I had to grab onto the entertainment center to steady myself with a ‘Whoa, girl. Take it easy’.
And then I was just sad because it’s too late for a nap.”
Heh heh… You’re on a roll today! Love it!
just a thought… sleep with the windows open tonight…..
Oh lord you are killing me with this!
Your joy makes my messed up day worth it. Haha
I needed the laugh and I thank you so much for it Beth Geyer
Love you, Dani.
Love you too Beth aka wifey
Laughing so hard right now lol
I have Dave’s Insanity in the cupboard and I’m not afraid to use it.