Ten Better Ways to Discriminate

It’s pretty clear lately that the only way we Americans like to classify people is solely by their politics.  If you pay attention, pretty much ANY behavior from eating pineapple on your pizza to being a proud pedophile all traces back to whether you’re a republican or a democrat.  There are no in-betweens – you’re either all one or all the other.  You can’t be a centrist, a moderate republican or even apolitical.  Sorry, but that just won’t do for most people these days.  People now judge the entirety of your being; integrity, intent, and worth SOLELY by how you vote.

I think there’s a better way.  I use other binary criteria to discriminate with whom I associate.  Here are some of ‘em:

1.  Toilet paper roll over or under.  If you’ve ever owned a precocious cat, the answer is definitely under.

2.  Warner Brothers or Disney.  If you like even one Disney thing, you’re dead to me.

3.  Paper or plastic.  Either way you’re a useless scum that hates the environment and wants dirty water and worldwide smog as thick as pea soup.  Don’t deny it – you despise nature.  And babies.

4.  Round earth/flat earth.  This one’s easy.  If you think the Earth is flat, you’re a fucking idiot.

5.  Dog person/cat person.  This one’s easy too.  Doesn’t matter – everybody wins! 

6.  Religion.  Not gonna go there.  Ever.  People will kill you over that kinda shit.

7.  FM Radio or AM radio.  Wait, there’s still AM radio?

8.  Yea or nay?  Pineapple on pizza.  (This is almost as divisive as politics these days.)

9.  Did you make your bed this morning or did you leave it a mess?  If you left it a mess, you’re a god-hating, good for nothing, useless turd and if you made your bed this morning like I do, you’ve obviously got a first-class ticket to heaven.  That one’s pretty clear cut.

10. Are you a dick to people or not? 

Yeah, that last one is kinda what I’m getting at.  None of these other criteria really matters if you’re consistently a jerk to people.  I really don’t care how you roll your toilet paper, who you voted for, or any of the other discriminators I listed above.  If you treat people with respect and kindness, none of that other shit matters

I still think Bill and Ted said it most succinctly “Be excellent to each other.”  That’s not just enough, that’s everything.


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