Author Archives: Dan Wolfe

An Open Letter to our Politicians in Our Nation’s Capital

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Dear Federal Politicians:

Hey folks! Hope you’re all enjoying your recess – I know the FAA isn’t, but that’s another story.

I’m writing to you because I have two small children with whom I reside, and their behavior has too many disturbing similarities to you folks to ignore anymore. Let’s face it, boys and girls, you’ve been bad, bad politicians. Shame on you! How would your mothers feel if they knew you were behaving like preschoolers?

Since you’re all running around the house screaming at each other just as my preschoolers are, (except for Representative Gabrielle Giffords, who is my new hero – she’s got more guts than all of you put together) I’m going to take this opportunity as your American “parent” to correct your behavior and remind you how people are supposed to behave.

(Imagine be standing over you shaking my finger at you while reading this. Good. Thanks.)

Stop calling each other names! Ok, I know that it’s easy to point fault at your playmates, but really, even though “stick and stones may break my bones…” and all that, it’s petty, accomplishes nothing and makes you and the rest of our American family look bad. Knock it off. Now.

My mom and dad always taught me that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Here’s another one upon which you will be able to rely as you go through this developmentally awkward period: “Tis better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.”

Stop the finger pointing! I don’t like tattletales and I don’t care who did it first! I want it to stop and stop now. ‘Nuff said about that one.

Stop blaming your playmates for your bad behavior! When you try this hard to blame someone else for your goofs and gaffes, it’s very clear that you’re just doing it because you feel guilty and just want that bad attention on someone else other than you. If you screw up, admit it. Your American parents (i.e. the electorate) will go much easier on you if you just admit that what you did was wrong than if you try and blame your playmate or hide it.

Absolutely NO playtime until your homework is done! Your “school” gives you way too much time for recess. While I know that you and your playmates need to go outside and play for awhile, (it’s supposed to build social skills and teamwork – how’s that working out for you?) you really shouldn’t go outside and play until all your work is done. Your American parents aren’t allowed to leave their work until they’ve done what their bosses have assigned them. You and your playmates shouldn’t either.

You’re spending your allowance on all the wrong things! If I could take away your allowance, I would because you’ve been particularly careless. I know that you and your playmates all love to run to the corner store and buy things like wax lips, those little candy dots on paper and comic books. And I know how yummy and fun those things are, but really, you can’t spend all your allowance on those things. A little bit’s fine, but not ALL of it, for goodness sake! Now, I know you and your playmates are too immature to understand even the basics of how to handle having an allowance. But in the long run, if you learn now how money works, you’ll be much better off, instead of just looking forward to your next candy fix (election.) I’ll try to teach you, but you have to be willing to listen a little bit, ok?

Kids, what I guess I’m trying to tell you is best summed up by the lesson from “Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure,” a cute little movie that you can see when you stop behaving like toddlers: “Be excellent to each other.” Yeah. That’s always a good rule of thumb.

Now do you understand what I’ve just said? You sure? Good. Now go sit in time out for fifteen minutes and when you’re done, you can go play with your playmates again.

Don’t cry – it’ll be ok. Want a juice box?

An Open Letter to Ted Williams, the Artist Formerly Known as That Homeless Guy with the Great Voice

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Dear Ted:

I’m delighted to learn of your story and the happy ending which will hopefully follow. As a former and now wannabe radio guy myself, I’m a tad jealous that you’re getting all the attention and job offers. But hey, I wasn’t going to be hired in radio any time soon anyway, so I’m cool with it all.

Your story gives hope to those of us who have fallen and fallen hard – and believe me, I know about falling all too well. Once you’ve made your successful return to the business and get everything back together for yourself, for me personally, you’ll become an example worthy of emulation — perhaps even an inspiration. I’m hoping that your success will help me move past some of the nearly debilitating daily vestiges of a time in my life I’d rather forget, just as you are moving past yours.

So here’s to you! Congratulations! I hope that you don’t screw it up for yourself. But that’s mostly because I hope you don’t screw it up for me.

All the best,

Dan

A Letter to my Father

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Dear Dad,

A month ago today, when last we spoke, we exchanged handshakes and snappy salutes. I noticed again that afternoon, as I always do, your silver U.S. Army Infantry ring, worn and smooth from the decades of wear, never imagining the next time I saw it, it would be surrendering it to accompany you in your urn.

Supporting Mom during those first days after our last salute kept me busy. Just as our family always has, we took care of business first. Mom and I went through your briefcase and pulled out the important legal documents and tried to figure out which bills would be coming due and when. Don’t worry, though – all of us got Mom squared away so that she’d continue to have income without interruption. Really, you saw to all of that through your prior planning and dedication. For me, it was just phone calls to the Army and the Railroad Retirement Board. No sweat. Gotcha covered.

The hardest thing I had to do – ever – was to leave you behind in that beautiful place you chose for you and Mom down in Dayton. I was fine through it all up until I had to leave. I rode out with the family to the entrance, saw them off, and got back in your car (which I’d been using, and yes, I filled up the tank when I was done) and went back up to see you again. I walked up, perfectly composed and stood near the temporary marker. Yeah, it was cliché, but I came to the position of attention and saluted you one more time and started walking back to the car for the two hour trip back home.

Yeah, I lost it then. Pretty badly, too. I sat in the car for a time and struggled with the understanding that I had to leave and the anguish of leaving you behind. But what’s done is done, I suppose. I finally put the car in gear, took one last trip around the grounds and headed home in silence, except for the few phone calls I made to let people know that it was done.

I’m lucky that we got to talk in the hospital, albeit briefly, and even luckier that at various points in my life, I’ve stopped to tell you that you’d raised all three of us right. That I was proud of you. And I admired you. All three of we offspring feel that way, you know. Just sayin’.

You’d be horrified to know that I’ve been posting photos of you throughout your life on the Internet. Yeah, that computer thing you keep hearing about that you wanted no part of. So yeah, you’re getting your dose of the internet now in spite of your revulsion for computers and technology.

I’m doing it anyway because I’m still proud of you.

Even with all the accomplishments I’ve enjoyed, the one thing I will never be is as good of a man – as good of a person as you were. You wrote the book on leading by example, not by intimidation. Cooperation, not confrontation. Thanks. I ‘preciate that. Your sterling example has served me well over the years, even though I know I still fall way short.

I have been telling people for years that when I look in the mirror or hear your words escaping my mouth unexpectedly, that I’m turning into my father.

Just so you know, I’m perfectly OK with that.

Miss you,

Dan

Sales Pitch, Personal Edition

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I had to write a quick professional summary for LinkedIn.com. Here’s what came of that endeavor:

I’ve been lucky.

They say it’s better to be lucky than good. I’ll take lucky.

I’ve been afforded amazing opportunities both in the military and in industry, and enjoyed some degree of success in both. I retired as a colonel in the Army after a 28 year career that took me all over the world. Thanks to the Army, I’ve seen the sun rise and set in such places as Saudi Arabia, Alaska and Belgium. And they’ve let me do some amazing jobs over the years.

In Los Angeles in between military assignments, the technology of the entertainment industry – television in particular – paid the bills as I struggled to build a career as an actor. I was fortunate to work with some true professionals at ABC Television, E! Entertainment Television and MTV and others. In front of the camera, I got to appear in a few TV commercials and the occasional feature film.

Yeah, it was luck. No one gets to do such cool stuff if you’re not at least a little bit lucky.

As for goals? I believe I can sum it up like this:

Interest me. Challenge me. I’ll deliver.

Best,

Dan

Today is Monday, April 12th, 2010…

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Good morning all and welcome to another work week!

I have yet to lower the amount of blood in my caffeine system enough, so I am a little slow this morning. It’s a gorgeous day in DC!

I have a good excuse for not flying today and tomorrow. There’s no general aviation flights allowed in the area around DC because of the big nuclear (nucular, for those of you who prefer the non-standard pronunciation) summit going on here. So the entire flight school is grounded ’till Wednesday.

Here’s my list of how the detonation of a suitcase nuke in DC and the subsequent radiation of free nuclear energy in the atmosphere would affect my day:

1. Coffee warmed by sitting it on the windowsill.
2. No need for the itty bitty book light any more, since everything will glow in the dark.
3. Save money on spaying and neutering pets because the radiation would render them sterile.
4. Reruns of “The China Syndrome,” “The Day After,” and “Jericho” would return to favor.
5. Determine once and for all if those fucking cockroaches would survive in the post apocalyptic world.
6. Everyone has male pattern baldness.

Enjoy the day!