Ten Things to Do Before Going Back to Work After Two Years

1.  Adjust attitude.

2.  Learn how to get dressed BEFORE noon.

3.  Take suits to the tailors to be let out 2″.

4.  Catch up on prime time TV shows on the DVR.

5.  If it’s a government job, wait 48 days.

6.  Review wardrobe for fashion faux pas.  Wear anyway.

7.  Stop unemployment checks.  (Oh wait, they stopped on their own.)

8.  Help the dog get over her separation anxiety issues by hiding in the closet daily for 30 minutes.  (There are those who still believe I’m in there, but that’s another discussion.)

9. Get vintage Starsky & Hutch lunchbox and matching Thermos out of storage.

10.  Express gratitude for your good fortune.

Random Thoughts

1. I want a new phone, but I don’t need one.

2. Spell check saves my ass all the damn time.

3. Cellular networks are great when they work. They just don’t very often.

4. Whimsy is a good thing.

5. Why would anyone describe himself or herself as having “dirty blonde” hair? I mean I get it, but yikes, seems as though dirty blonde hair needs a shampooing. At least that’s what it brings to my alleged mind.

6. My dog is TOO charming. He cannot be resisted. He’s like a dolphin — no matter how lousy he feels, he still has that damned built-in smile.

7. Bill Gates is truly evil. But only because I didn’t think of Microsoft first.

8. Relationships are like long distance telephone calls. Sometimes the connection is clear. Other times, it’s noting but static. (I wrote this back in the days before digital transmission, so without the technological context, it’s getting to be a senseless observation.)

9. DailyPuppy.com.

10. I don’t feel empathy for the people who refuse to put their social security number on stuff. Shoot, the government has my DNA on file. Talk about the ultimate invasion of privacy. Hey, maybe they’ll clone me! You’re never alone with a clone.

11. I’m an ENFP.

12. I like Star Trek way too much.

13. Most useless piece of advice I ever got from my Dad when I got married the first time: “Make sure to dry under your wedding ring when you get out of the shower or it’ll get nasty.”

14. Cheddar cheese pretzel pieces and Diet Pepsi do not constitute lunch.

15. Except for today.

16. Staple removers look like X-wing fighters from Star Wars when you squeeze them together.

17. I am only a passing Star Wars fan.

18. The Associated Press Style Guide is my friend.

19. Diet Pepsi and cheddar cheese pretzel pieces make a lousy lunch.

20. Cheddar cheese pretzel pieces and Diet Pepsi do not taste better coming up than going down. (Just kidding about that one. Just thought it would be fun to keep the running gag going.)

21. At what point does persistence cross the line into futility?

22. My dog can catch a Frisbee out of the air. He also smells his own butt, so he can’t be all that clever. But he is, for a dog.

23. Rubber cement is not intended for cementing rubbers.

24. I have subscribed to Scientific American since college.

25. Music was my first means of performance and it still stands as the most satisfying intellectually, emotionally and spiritually. Acting is a close second, but there’s more ego feeding involved than genuine satisfaction.

26. Etiquette: Does one take out one’s hearing aids before having sex? Or after?

27. I cross my little toes when I am lying down with no shoes or socks on.

28. What is the attraction with long walks on the beach? Didn’t anyone ever pour sand out of their shoes? And what if you want to get physical on the beach? Sheesh… Sand is the ultimate anti-aphrodisiac. You want an aphrodisiac? Try two nights at the Ritz-Carlton with room service. Or first-class tickets to Paris. I’d wiggle right out of my panties for an offer like that.

29. You know what might be really hilarious? Put porn on the TV, turn down the sound, and put play-by-play sports on for the audio track.

30. Shouldn’t Santa bring you better presents if you’ve been naughty?

31. The object above the ceiling fan that protects the ceiling is called a medallion.

32. The recurring dream I experience most often occurs usually every few months. It is usually different, but nearly always involves my return to Valley Forge Military Academy as an adult student.

33. The second most recurring theme in my dreams is that I am a witness to an air disaster of some sort.

34. I used to practice lucid dreaming. It was one of the more exciting experiences of my life.

35. It’s raining in Virginia.

36. I wish I were there to experience the rain.  I rather enjoy bad weather.  It’s more interesting.

37. Peanut Buster Parfaits are the only really good reason to go to Dairy Queen. Except in Fostoria, Ohio.

38. The Dairy Queen in Fostoria, Ohio has looked the same for at least 45 years.

39. I like even numbers.

40. More than odd.

41. Forty-one is the loneliest number that you’ll ever do. (Apologies to Three Dog Night.)

42. I used to be a HUGE General Hospital fan.

43. A writer once named his cat Typo. What a great name for a cat!

44. Pencils are much more practical than pens, but it’s harder to clean your ears with a pencil.

45. Bureaucracies exist solely for the sustainment of the bureaucracy.

46. Whoever said, ” is the most fun you can have with your clothes on.” never had sex while clothed.

47. I ate lunch in the same room as Supreme Court Justice David Souter once.

48. I was up on the Hill once with my boss and sat in the same room with Hilary Clinton, Joe Lieberman and a bunch of other big wheels. Pretty cool.

49. Military time, as in the 24-hour clock instead of the AM/PM thing, makes more sense.

50. Lava lamps are cool.

51. Lava is not.

52. I don’t remember if I used to number these or not.

53. Quantification of work produced is only one measure of success.

54. Sometimes I just make shit up. But not in random thoughts.

55. I have memorized pi to 16 decimal places. Without Googling it, it is 3.1415926535897932. Look it up and tell me if I remember this factoid correctly.

56. Is “factoid” really a word?

57. I could never even manage a bad Casey Kasem impression.

58. Is it rude to write email while sitting on the toilet?

59. This is not Twenty Questions.

60. Is this sentence a question.

Today is Thursday, April 8th, 2010…

Today is remarkable for one immediate reason: Oak trees.

The oak trees are spewing forth their pollen by the tons and the telltale yellow powder is everywhere in these here parts. Yes, folks, it’s hay fever season once again.

Here are a few things you can do during hay fever season:

1. Sneeze.
2. Sneeze.
3. Rub your itchy eyes.
4. Rub your itchy eyes while you are sneezing.
5. Poke yourself in the eye because you sneezed while you were rubbing your eyes.
6. Wear an eye patch.
7. Wait patiently for “Talk Like a Pirate Day” to come around again.

Enjoy the day.